Your Top 10 Yokel stories of 2017!!!!

tumblr_inline_msltamagkA1qz4rgp

 

It’s that time of year folks! The time when we count down our most viewed stories of the year!  Let’s get started before that ball drops!

22854924_10155393441932599_441002984_n

10. Oh dear. When your Lady Yokels were in the running for the Frederick News Post’s Best of the Best award, one of our competitors crossed the line and had to get sent into the penalty box. No worries though, we made up with our hockey fans and now follow each other amicably.

img_5617.jpg

 

9. Oh yes, the night some members of the council drove us to the drink. Billy attempted to mansplain a bunch of stuff to Jessica, so we were driven to Yokelsplain things to him. Oh how we can’t wait until Billy isn’t up there anymore!

8. Who could forget the night when we learned about the craziness that resides on the Carroll County council? Take a peek if you missed out on that super hot mess.

screenshot-59.png

7. Ah, old # and his social media usage! Check out our post where we tried to discern the meaning of this!

screen-shot-2017-06-25-at-11-52-12-am.png

6. We sure hope we never have see these “accomplishments” again!  Wonder if Billy ever got any of those special ingredient BALLS he was speaking of.

16252123_10209369588214219_7315849600476474463_o.jpg

5. LOL! LOL! This flow chart cheers all of your Lady Yokels up whenever we are down! It is the absolute best thing Kirby has ever created in the history of forever. Read our super duper analysis of it here.

4. Our PSA for our local teachers warning them of Cindy Rose’s prying eyes on social media did quite well. Watch out for this one, she’s threatening another run in 2018.

screen-shot-2017-03-20-at-8-28-11-am.png

3. Kirby may want to ask Blaine to hold back his praise! Read our story about this fine endorsement, it’s really something!

19142069_10155020799142599_260491284_n.jpg

2. We usually restrict ourselves to writing about public figures. However, when someone comes to a public meeting ,that will be aired to all the world, and offers yellow ties and potted plants,  we can’t just let that go. And many of you agreed, as it was our second most viewed story of the year!

And drum roll please!!!!

1.  Stories about the infamous Blaine Young always garner a lot of views. Our number one story of the year was about Blaine proposing that he run for the Maryland House of Delegates and the Facebook family drama that followed: 

 

Wonder what 2018 has in store for us! Guessing it’s going to get way dramatic considering it’s an election year! Happy New Year to all our Yokel readers!

Billy Shreve shares “ideas” about women

Oh, yo. Look at this mental dust mite.

Statisticals.
Monumental whatthef*#@ery. Also, if you can’t see it because the images are being cranky it is a Twitter tweety that has a bunch of statistics about men being mentally ill and prone to violence, and concludes that women have it better for sharing the planet with the violent and troubled other half of the population. Ahem. Also, let’s femsplain it to you: you know that women have been asking to be included equally in all aspects of the military and are not trying to place the responsibility of public safety on y’all men? The holdup has been a cocktail of “you’re not wanted here screwing up our camaraderie” and “we can’t stop you from getting raped, for some reason.” Ugh. Gah.

As you may or may not be able to tell from the image above, there is some rando on the internet who apparently does not have a social science background at all (and in all likelihood is some Russian poseur stimulating Billy’s antifeminist leanings). Billy Shreve is propagating his thoughts about how high statistics about suicide and homicide and warfare impacting men means that feminism is ridiculous. First of all, the way it is explained in sociology 101–where youngsters first learn about Émile Durkheim’s first ever study of the concept, self-evidently titled Suicidewomen are less prone to suicide because they have all the responsibilities of keeping a brood of offspring alive and cared for resting on their shoulders, because they are likely married to Papa Berenstain Bear, who is insultingly idiotic and has no idea how to feed or clothe his cubs or stay up all night nursing them back to health or figure out where their doctor or orthodontist’s office is or what their teacher’s name is, or like know offhand the location of a grocery store to pick up bread on the way home after six months of living in this city. So maybe the big dumdum part has some realism on occasion. #notallmen, yes, we know…we know. We do like our husbands.

Michelle Wolf has a super fantastic special on HBO right now called Nice Lady where she covers the important subject, “actually you can’t have it all,” and that’s really well worth watching. ***SPOILER ALERT: she talks about how it is impossible to be a good mom, and so she isn’t going to try, but also how she wishes she could be a good dad because the bar is so much lower and you get to avoid the issues presented with the absolutely unrealistic expectations placed on women in a judgmental country with no public policy to support working women and their families. This is because as a woman you have to have the kid, feed the kid, better be by breast but for goodness sake not in public; also go back to work (like yesterday), you can pump in the bathroom, and don’t take time off to take care of the kid that is constantly in need of both well visits and sick visits especially for a couple of years, and why are you distracted from your performance at work this week, and hurry up go have sex with your husband he’s going to find it elsewhere if you don’t, “And honey, why don’t you smile??????” (We don’t smile because people like Billy Shreve exist; also sometimes we do smile because people like Billy Shreve exist, but he does seem to become increasingly infuriating according to duration of exposure.)

Did Mark Twain really say this? Who the heck knows. We would Google it, but we don’t care. We didn’t even Google to see if the statistics in the original tweet were correct; odds are high that they aren’t.

Dare we suggest it might actually be better for men, too, if women weren’t so stressed out? And no doubt for their children as well.

Furthermore, we think it is super rich that this is coming from Billy “victim of sexual harassment” Shreve. You know, sometimes sexual harassment isn’t a snide remark, but a thing that happens to everyone from auto workers to actresses where they have to actually have sex with the boss if they want to keep their job. For Pete’s Sake! Read a flipping newspaper once in awhile. You might even learn from reading that 55% of women victims of homicide are killed by a domestic partner, where this is only true of about 5-7% of men. Isn’t that fascinating? Isn’t this mysterious information? Men are violent, and (according to Billy and co.) women are lucky to be murdered by men rather than the ones doing the murdering. What weird logic.

You know what else, Billy Shreve once said people are in favor of human trafficking, most likely because his bestest good buddy is a big ol fan of hookers. Don’t ever forget that one.

Man, this turned into a long rant. Yeah, we do have a bug up our asses, actually. Thank you for reading installment eleventybajillion in, “Do not reelect Billy Shreve to anything.”

Holiday Inspirations, part 4.

MEME-Because-Fishing-In-The-Lake-Is-Too-Mainstream
This is not fishing!

This continues our ongoing series to share some of our own Yokel family traditions to help you get in the holiday spirit.

Cousin Earl really likes to fish. Well,  truth be told, he likes to drink beer in peace, and going fishing provides him with peace and quiet to drink to his content. What does that have to do with the Yokel family Christmas? Well cousin Earl brings his favorite fishing snack to our annual gathering.

Beer pickled eggs are the perfect protein to keep you fortified while fishing and to share while waiting for dinner.

Cousin Earl’s Pickled Eggs

2 dozen hard boiled eggs, peeled

1.5 cans of beer

2 cups vinegar

Red pepper flakes

Boil and peel eggs. Cousin Earl thinks you should already know how to did this, so use the interweb if you can’t boil a damn egg.  Mix beer, vinegar and red pepper flakes in a big her. Add eggs. Drink extra half can of beer. Let eggs sit a day or 2. Eat. Repeat.

Screenshot_20171122-191510
Maybe Cousin Earl will make some for you too.

Someone needed this meeting to be speedy. Your December 19th meeting round-up!

download

The biggest observation we can make about this evening was how very quickly Bud wanted this meeting over. He rushed through parts of the agenda, cut off the auditor before his presentation was over, and asked Tim Goodfellow if he would go faster when presenting the sewer and water amendments. None of us much want to work this time of year, but jeeze o’flip was the heck was up with all that?

We had some shiny nice time at the beginning of the meeting. Chip Jewell received recognition for his many years of service to the Frederick County Fire Services. Students from the CTC were given a good pat on the back for a project they worked on. And, the Oakdale volleyball team received many fine congratulations for winning the state championship!

21g124
Indeed!

Billy abstains from voting on the agenda. No public commenters. Veteran’s Advisory Council vote is pushed back. Billy casts the sole brave vote against the budget adjustments.  Then, we are off to another positive presentation from Lori Depies and the outside auditor, We learn just how financially healthy things are in our county. Take a look at the PowerPoint and see for yourself! Kirby needs to question anything good, so he starts off by saying, “I am not an accountant, OK?” Oh we know hashtag! He tries his hand at algebra by saying x represents this and x represents that, so simple math, voila!

pslmw
Especially when your equation is all wrong!

We are not even going to attempt to parse out his point because he doesn’t really have one and he’s wrong and we are done with deciphering his nonsense! Billy jumps in with that was also my question too and how are we doing compared with our peer groups. The answer is excellent so let’s move on.

Myersville asks permission to annex some property-permission granted.  Bud’s phone give us the Bad to the Bone ringtone that we’ve heard before. Wonder if whomever was calling was the reason he wanted out of there so quickly.

Quick First reading on MDX uses. The FNP reporter asked Bud about this after the meeting, so be sure to read about that here.

The bulk of the meeting was over some amendments to  change the language used  when putting in water and sewer lines. The predictable three were all in arms, even though it was explained to them over and over that what they were changing was how things were already done, they just wished to clarify some language. Billy kept yelling: workshop, workshop, but he couldn’t get anyone to agree. Tony wins a slight victory with some removal of words, and the first amendment was finally passed. The next four, Bud wishes to rush through, and they are all passed without incident.

No public comment at the end. Kirby wants us all to bow down to the accomplishments of the sacred Young BOCC.

21g1x2
Looks like Slick took the drinking game a little too far!

Did you know that because of the Young BOCC, Myersville had to come before the council to ask for annexation rights? M.C. later disagrees with Kirby’s logic, but hey whatcha gonna do?

Everyone else has nice things to say! We are ignoring Billy’s part here because we want some semblance of sanity to remain with us for the holidays!

Have a wonderful holiday season Yokels! We love you!

It’s the last meeting of the year! Let’s celebrate with a whole lot of beer!

 

21afpo
Wish we knew Patches! Don’t destroy your liver over him though!

FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! Merry Happy Winter Solstice to thee! It’s the last meeting of 2017, and what a year it has been following this county council. Stay tuned, in the next week or so we’ll be publishing our top 10 stories of the year! For now, grab your agenda, turn on FCGTV, and don’t forget to take care! Shrelauter would love it if something happened to your liver and you couldn’t vote for their opponent next year.

We sure hope Kirby had some time to go through the agenda and prepare this weekend. Seeing as he was busy spreading his “freedom seeds” around:

img_8542

 

Big deep sigh! Any hoo! We are starting off this meeting with lots of recognition and accolades. It gives us a nice warm feeling to see all the good that is done by people in our community.

Next is public comment, should there be any, budget adjustments, and approval of prior meeting’s minutes. We don’t know why this shouldn’t go smoothly, however, since we have a few people up there who like to grandstand and, we suspect, really don’t know what’s going on, there’s bound to be a hiccup here and there. If you should need something to calm your nerves, pop open a nice tall bottle of Belligerent Ass.

We always love it when Lori Depies comes to present. She so professionally handles the questions from the nincompoops, while also correcting their erroneous assumptions. In her honor, we’ll stray away from the beer theme for a moment, to crack open a bottle of our best champagne! Thanks for all you do and have to put up with Ms. Depies!

Next on the list is approval of an annexation in Myersville.  The town of Myersville already voted yes, and it appears the owners of the land want this, so if anyone causes a ruckus, go ahead and slam back a Raging Bitch.

There’s a first reading on a bill on Permitted Uses in a MXD. First readings only take a moment. Then it’s off to a third reading, which means a final council vote, on the Veteran’s Advisory Council. In honor of our men and women in uniform, toast them with an Eagle Lager.

Oh, zzzzzz, a public hearing on water and sewer amendments. We know this stuff is super important, but man oh man, it’s hard to stay awake. Maybe we need to go out and find some caffeinated beer.

We end with one more chance for public comment, and then the last council member comments of 2017. If anyone decides to go on and on, or becomes oh so very rude, break out that college beer bong and fill it with some Grumpy Bear Honey Wheat.

Have a wonderful holiday season our faithful Yokels! We’ll all need to stick together next year when the county election season is in full force! There’s no way this isn’t going to be dramatic!

Holiday inspiration, part 3.

10_2_w
Did you know you can buy stills on the interweb? We found this one at moonshinestills.net

This continues our ongoing series to share some of our own Yokel family traditions to help you get in the holiday spirit.

If you have see an episode of Moonshiners, you may recognize the purpose of the still we included am image of above. This edition of Yokel Holiday Inspirations is inspired by Aunt Mildred’s moonshine.

Aunt Mildred is a distant Yokel with a not so legal habit of distilling her own shine to share at the holidays. We can’t share her recipe here, she keeps that in her head, plus moonshining is not exactly a legal backyard gathering that we can endorse.

We are thankful that over the years. Aunt Mildred has hauled her moonshine across several state lines  at great person risk, just to spread with your local Yokels.

If you want to start your own holiday moonshine tradition, head to your local liquor store to buy yourself a legal version.

Moonshine
No, no, no, Professor Whiskers! Did you even read this post?

 

It’s time to be triggered! Your revisionist history workshop round-up!

 

With discussion of Citizens-Montevue on the agenda, you know Shrelauter is going to have words to say.  For those of you who are new around here, back in 2014 the Young BOCC sold the county nursing homes to a company called Aurora. There was A LOT of criticism concerning this deal, with a very vocal contingent of concerned citizens speaking out against it. When Jan Gardner was elected  County Executive in 2014, one of the first issues she tackled was bringing the nursing homes back into county hands.  Which she did!

Esteemed Budget Director Lori Depies, shows us this very fine power point presentation. Contrary to what Shrelauter told us would happen, the homes are no longer showing a loss! They are actually making money! And taking in more indigent seniors. Well, well, well, all this talk causes Kirby to be triggered.

1cer3t

Since the beginning of this year, Citizens/Montevue has received a 5 star rating, which is much improved from the 2 star rating they garnered in 2014. Since the county has reacquired the homes, Aurora has been retained as the manager of the facility.  Kirby wants us all to realize that it was a great move to bring Aurora in! You know because the poor scapegoated Young BOCC took much undeserved flak when they opened the door to them! What Kirby is trying to gloss over is that his board’s move was to SELL the nursing home to Aurora not have them manage it, a move that would have put indigent seniors at risk because of the continuing care agreement that the Young board signed with Aurora that stated they only had to take future indigent patients if they happened to have the room! This was a major reason why Jan thought it necessary to return the homes to county control. Plus, the county would have had to come up with an additional $7 million dollars, which was not in the county budget, to give to Aurora should this deal have gone through. So Kirby is once again WRONG and deliberately trying to mislead those of us that don’t pay attention around these parts.

 

Just sub Kirby for defense!

But, nice try #! Billy makes some noise trying to disparage the numbers, but he’s wrong as well, and boring so let’s move on.

Next, up is a presentation from the nice people at the United Way. Take a minute and go through their slide show to learn how many of our neighbors are really struggling to make ends meet in our county and our state.

Lastly, Jerry and Kirby present their dueling Senior Tax Credit bills, which honestly don’t seem very different. Jerry seems to have a better handle of what is in his bill than you know who. Quelle Surprise! Anyhoo, Tony suggests that the two of them sit down and hash out one bill and they actually agree!

Now, your Lady Yokels have to go and check if Alabama is going to remain the boil on the butt of this country!