Better go grab that liquor before it’s all gone! Your December 6th drinking fun!

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If you had a chance to see last Sunday’s paper, you would have noticed a front page story and an editorial about the dysfunction  Kirby and Billy cause on our beloved county council. The big story this evening is the election of a county council president and vice president. No one seems to know which way the wind is blowing on this one, so your Lady Yokels are very, very nervous. Not because Kirby and/or Billy could obtain either one of those positions, but because of the potential for some flinging o’ the insults. Grab your agenda and let’s start from the beginning.

If there is any drama during the public comments, budget transfers, approval of minutes or confirmation of the County Executive appointment, take really big gulps of your Failure cocktail.

Now for the drama of the evening. Straight from the Charter here are the steps necessary to vote for the president and  vice president:

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We are nervous too Pancakes!

Do you see why your Lady Yokels are nervous?! There is no way in Hades’ cold underworld that this is going to go well. Every single time one of the three potential trouble makers (that’s right we said three!) cause some drama guzzle down your Jack Frost. Things are about to get super icy in Winchester Hall!

Believe it or not they are going to try and do some more work after this! There’s the first reading of a bill to give small businesses a real property tax credit. Now, Billy and Kirby commonly lament the plight of the small business owner. But alas, a Democrat has introduced it so there’s no way they can support it now! If any objections are made, and none should be made during a first reading, slam back a Fall of Rome. 

Motion to go into closed session will be voted against by the resident fool. And onto public comment we go.

If you are still looking for that perfect gift for your Local Yokel reader, visit our store on Zazzle! 

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You tried.

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Cindy Rose was recently defeated in the most significant loss in our BoE history, but like Jason Voorhees, she is back. Today the FNP published her LTE rehashing some issues seen in that Google Drive thingamabob with her communications to FCPS in it. As Constitution Day’s biggest fan, she is upset over the change to Citizenship Day. In her LTE she appears to be perplexed over why FCPS won’t spend all day every day discussing the Constitution. (Because they are not the ACLU? Because you have to learn to read *and* comprehend before you read the Constitution? It could be anything, really…).

Woven in is some irrelevant claim about Common Core being about feelings (whut? thank goodness she did not win! You deserve a gold star, Frederick County!). As long as you get your talking points in, that’s what matters.

This same person who says that learning about our Constitution helps you understand that opinions of others are going to make you uncomfortable also has written to the school to tell them that she didn’t like books she hadn’t read, and expected them to stop teaching them. Hellooooooooo. Is anyone home? First Amendment. You’re doing it wrong. Reading comprehension, as well. What were we saying before about starting with the skills before leaping ahead to the content?

Have a participation trophy.
Have a participation trophy.

She makes a seemingly irrelevant dig at people unable to accept the results of an election. Honestly, anyone who isn’t concerned has obviously had their history, economics, government, and/or spiritual eduction fail them at some point. So, cough cough, if the shoe fits… The best part, though, is how this line of upset creates a beautiful backdrop for another bit of fun from the Frederick News Post today about Our Very Own Shrelauter being unable to cope with the results of a local election that occurred two stinking years ago! Fun times, Frednecks!

She goes on to criticize Dr. Alban for a statement about our rights as citizens being guaranteed by the Constitution, saying Dr. Alban doesn’t know where our rights come from. Odd for someone so obsessed with the document to be so confused by it.

Let’s teach Blaine about the Scientific Method!

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Yesterday the Frederick Extra brought you a rumor that Frederick County’s very own failed candidate for County Executive believes it’s a fine and dandy idea to seek the office of Frederick City mayor.  We jumped on the baa haa haa bandwagon with our post pointing out that Blaine will not have the crutch of the Electoral College to sail him into office. With more collaboration of this ridiculous rumor making its way into our inbox this morning, we want to do an analysis of this whole situation. Because really…WTF?

Two thirds of your Lady Yokels live within the great City of Frederick’s borders. So we are very much invested and interested in next year’s race. Republican or Democrat we want an intelligent, thoughtful, well qualified person who would steer our city in the right direction. We don’t want a law breaking, kid-cussing, First Lady ogling, person in that office! I mean really people, what else does he have to do?! 

Also, why the city? It’s so perplexing to us why he thinks that’s going to work out for him. District 5? Maybe. But the City of  Frederick? This is where we think Blaine could benefit from learning and applying the Scientific Method.

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Wash, rinse, repeat!

In case you are thinking: Hey politics doesn’t have anything to do with science. Take a moment and read this article and this one. We Lady Yokels have, in our elitist coffee chats, discussed the many benefits of applying the Scientific Method when making life decisions. Now let us break down the process that Blaine should use before deciding to run for mayor:(Pretend this is Blaine talking to himself.)

Identify the Problem: I really want to get back into politics. Is the City of Frederick a race I can win?

Hypothesis: I think I should run for the office of Mayor of Frederick.

Test the hypothesis: Well, since I cannot force the Board of Elections to make the election today, what other information can I use? I can analyze the political demographics of the city, look at this year’s Presidential election results and my performance in the 2014 election.

Analyze the data: Well let’s see here. In the City of Frederick, as of 2013, there are 10,352 Republicans Vs. 16,884 Democrats . There’s little chance of many of those Democrats crossing the line to vote for me and a HUGE chance, given my past behavior, that many of those Republicans will vote for someone else. In the last Presidential Election, Donald Trump lost the city by almost 4, 000 votes (He only won the county by 3,000). And the last time I ran, in a county wide election with more Republicans than Democrats, I lost by a whooping 6, 313 votes!

Conclusion: Well, crap.

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Durh!

Spare us all please!! We don’t want to have to pull these out of our garage, but we will:

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There’s no electoral college for the mayoral race, Sherlock.

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We had a scare earlier today when Katherine Heerbrandt’s report in the Frederick Extra seemed to allude to Frederick County’s worst sex exercise addicted buffoon. Running. For. Mayor.

And then we died. Laughing.

If he was emboldened by Trump, we have a newsflash for him. Trump did not win the cities. Have you seen that Swiss cheese looking map of what it would look like if we divided into two nations, and all the holes are the urban areas? Have you seen the shaded map of how people voted in Frederick County?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

You know, come to think of it, Trump didn’t even win the nation by like 2 and a half million votes or some such. If it weren’t for being given a couple of laps head start via the electoral college, it wouldn’t have happened for him either. The mayor of Frederick is not elected according to weird customs puzzling the rest of the world, which result from banging out a compromise in the 18th century between plantation states and the Northeast.

Get one!
Get one!

Look, Trump Lite with Highlights, it ain’t happening. But thanks for all the chuckles. Now go away!

Anonymous

fclocalyokel8 Comments
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And children have no filter. None.  Zippo.

 

We’ve received a few questions recently about who we are and why we are not adding by-lines to our writing, probably as our blog has received a little attention in traditional media outlets. For starters, what’s the point in running an underground newspaper if not for a little mischievous fun?

Our anonymity was mere happenstance. We hadn’t decided whether we wanted to be open about who we are. As a group we didn’t have unanimous agreement, so we opted to keep our names off of our website while we rolled it out. And then people started to say things–like that our children should be forced to wear red letters on their clothes at school–and we thought, “Eh…maybe it is just better this way.” Some of these people are whacko birds.

The truth is, women online get harassed. A lot. More and more attention has been given to that issue. That’s one thing that makes us (and some of our family members) reluctant for us to use our names, although hopefully no one would go personal. It’s just, sadly…that type of thing is common. A couple of our local ne’er-do-wells have some stuff on their permanent records that make them seem questionable. And others have kooky fetish interests that make us question whether or not they’re the safest around. Perhaps it is an overabundance of caution, but…here we are, and that’s our story and we’re sticking to it for now. We are pretty sure in the end our identities will be a secret impossible to keep, so we will see what happens when the day comes that we’ve been unmasked. We’re guessing this post will be the I-Told-Ya-So of the future. We’ll keep a detailed catalog of screen captures for your entertainment, of course (and for law enforcement, should it become necessary).

Maybe most interestingly, there is a long American tradition of anonymous political opinion writing. Most editorial boards write weekly columns without a by-line other than Board of Editors. In our earlier days, it was the custom for opinion writing to be done anonymously. John Jay, Alexander Hamilton, and James Madison were all “anonymous cowards” (and wrote in response to other people using pen names and anonymity, as well) if examined under the same sorts of criticisms that we are. We’re fine with that kind of company.

Here we are in the grand tradition of (Poor) Richard Saunders trying in vain to drive home his point: It is ill-manners to silence a fool and cruelty to let him go on.

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You are vile and disgusting.

Giving Tuesday, Yo!

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Over the weekend we highlighted the Emerge Maryland Virtual Bath Bombs to support women candidates. Suggestion: if you are participating in Giving Tuesday, perhaps you might like to give a Bath Bomb in the name of #Kirby Delauter, if you are feeling the super saucy holiday Local Yokel spirit! And in that vein, we have a few other ideas.

A nice lady from Stop Child Predators wrote an LTE commending the Council decision to set up a task force on human trafficking. It would be an excellent idea to send them some $$$ in honor of our most ridiculous former county commissioner/prostitution aficionado/aspiring D5 councilperson.

A donation to the NAACP in honor of Tony Chmelik. Why? No reason. No reason at all.

And last but not least, a donation to Frederick County Public Libraries in honor of Billy Shreve.

Middle finger!
Middle finger!

 

 

To be or not to be a hypocrite

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The local Republican Central Committee, steered by our own Billy Shreve, has had a quite a bit of the drama lately. Things came to a head last night when certain members of the committee, in the spirit of Trump (their words), are attempting to “drain the swamp” of those they no longer want on the committee. Third world dictator accusations were slung, lawyers were called and state delegates shut down. What we are interested in are the new by laws that were adopted at last night’s Drama Fest 2016:

  • Causing harm to the “reputation and good name” of the Republican party “as it pertains to official business.”
  • Verbally harassing or abusing committee members in “in plain view of the public” or during an open session of the committee.
  • Disclosing remarks made by any committee member during a session closed to the public without explicit permission from the person who made those statements.

Nice use of the scare quotes! Now what we want to see Billy do is propose these changes to the county charter. Just imagine these new by-laws when it comes to our own county council:

  • Causing harm to the reputation and good name of the Frederick County Council as it pertains to official business.
  • Verbally harassing or abusing council members in plain view of the public or during an open meeting of the Frederick County Council.
  • Disclosing remarks made made by any council member during a session closed to the public without explicit permission from the person who made those statements.

What’s good enough for the Republican Central Committee is good enough for the council! We can’t let there be any double standards!

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Poll time! Who said this terrible thing?

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The Extra Buzz on thefrederickextra.rocks.com has us all atwitter this evening. There is a report of an overheard conversation of one of our esteemed county council members. Take a little peek:

Overheard at a recent government-style gathering [paraphrased]: Civilian to County Council Member: I might like to live on a farm someday. What’s that like? CCMember: Sharecropping went out about 100 years ago [actually, it’s more like 60.] The civilian was black.

There really are only two choices.
It’s not who you think!

This mystery calls for a poll! Who do you think said this terrible thing?

Billy and Kirby embarrass Frederick County. Edition 20,000,000,001.

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It’s all so upsetting to us when we learn that Billy and Kirby’s antics have leaked out of the county. Like a toxic spill, we hope that we can contain their nonsense within our borders. Apparently, that was just wishful thinking. In today’s FNP there is a brilliant LTE by the president of Stop Child Predators, an organization based in Washington, DC. In her letter, Stacie Rumenap,  praises the thoughtful, caring and deliberate members of the council while taking our two local nincompoops to task! Just a taste:

One member, Councilman Billy Shreve, not only voted against this measure, but he made outrageous comments stating that there are groups on both sides of human trafficking and there are groups in favor of human trafficking.

Make room Peppermint, we want to hide too!
Make room Peppermint, we want to hide too!

We are so sorry rest of the world! We promise to make things better in 2018!