Tag: Frederick county

One Trumpkin, unfathomable, with nonsense and covfefe for all (i.e. #Kirby)

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Crimineeeeey. What in the Sam Hill is this?

Those are the RINOs? Wowza. Kirby’s on well water, right? I hope whatever is poisoning his kooky noggin is not affecting the rest of us. Aside: 52 Followers? Good luck with your campaign #52. And best of all a parody account from back in the “Don’t put my name in the paper without permission” days has 10 times as many. Oh, man.

Apparently Trump is the ne plus ultra. What must it be like to live in this delusional world where the kooky president did nothing to promote his own party’s bill, one time said this was easy and we’d have healthcare for all–obviously before he mused, “Who knew healthcare was so complicated?” Apply the magical thinking sauce, and he’s somehow the only one who isn’t at fault. Trump is the head of a nuttier cult than the Scientologists. Honestly, we still can’t understand how a man who says whatever pops into his brain (ineloquently) and contradicts himself from one day to the next has the respect of anyone. On the other hand, we haven’t been out there entertaining the idea that #kirbydelauter was a misunderstood genius, either.

Obviously, Kirby the wannabe is well positioned to respect someone who is successfully using every opportunity for the government to line his pockets by putting everyone up at a family owned property at the many opportunities afforded to do so by his impressive golfing breaks from his cable news diet. Cue sad trombone for the excavator who wished in vain to get county contracts, but the council said, “No no no,” like good ol Amy Winehouse.

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Just yesterday a poll said about a third of the Trumpin’ cohort don’t believe DJT Junior met with the Ruskies, in spite of the fact that we know because he told us he did! How are we supposed to live in a society with these fools? Let’s not see this one elected to County Executive. We’re not too proud to beg.

This momo with the hashtag is confused again.

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Since Donald a l’Orange started terrifying some members of the Latino community in Houston, rapes being reported are down more than 40%. Now Occam’s razor that. Did more than 40% of the rapists get magically beamed into prison? Hell to the naw. Those women are more scared of ICE coming and separating them or their spouses from their kids than they are of a rapist, so now they don’t call the terrifying police.

Do you know what happens when a criminal isn’t apprehended because the crime isn’t reported? Do they probably wake up the next day and turn into a nice non-violent person the morning after they raped some rich lady’s undocumented nanny? Or is this a more likely scenario. The rapey person (regardless of country of origin) is maybe going to climb in your window at night and assault someone like you or your daughter (regardless of your citizenship status as well)? NB: There’s absolutely nothing saying the person victimizing these ladies isn’t the head of the household where she works, who knows full well he can get away with it like a common ladycrotch grabbing “modern day presidential” person. Very possible, even though certain people assume the bad people are the scary boogeymen from Mexico described by Trump on the campaign trail. Here is one of about seven bazillion articles explaining that immigrants are less crime prone than the population as a whole.

The reason Texas cities are fighting to keep sanctuary policies is because they help everyone. It’s a true shame Sheriff Jenkins took that damned field trip down to the border and somehow came back having learned nothing about all of this.

Police chiefs in six big Texas cities — Arlington, Austin, Dallas, Fort Worth, Houston, and San Antonio — vocally opposed the Senate bill, even as it won support from rural and suburban voters. Major Texan hubs like Dallas and Fort Worth are now torn between continuing policies they say make their cities safer and economically vibrant and enforcing the letter of the law and moving to deport anyone who may have entered the country illegally.

So police chiefs from 3 of the 10 largest cities in America are on that list of people who don’t want to see sanctuary city policies abolished. People with lots of first hand experience here. And then here is Kirby Delauter on the subject, and he is actually paying to spread this message as a Sponsored Facebook post, wherein the subtext is “I am a total simpleton and think nothing through.”

This is a serious issue. This man is seriously unable to handle anything more sophisticated than a party line talking point. Oh la la. 258 likes, though.

 

Local Yokel’s favorite thing about the super cool ESSL is Frederick County kids getting this lesson: if someone tells you something is true, you must ask, “What is your evidence?” If they have none, they are just talking. Isn’t that brill? Long story short. Be quiet, hashtag.

2017 Summer Reading List

School will soon be back in session and your thoughts are surely turning to how to fill the rest of your free time while your kids are in their last summer camps and what am I going good to do with all these kids all the rest of our free time??? Never fear, your Yokels have some […]

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School is out and your thoughts are surely turning to how to fill your extra long summer break with mind enriching books, or trashy beach reads to keep you from crying about the state of our nation. Regardless, your Yokels have some summer reading suggestions.

This is our third,  yes third, summer list. We are so sorry to say that we are going to have to modify a suggestion that has appeared on our last 2 lists.

 

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We have begged Billy to read this for 2 years now. We give up. Please just read the Cliff Notes version. Or get the audiobook version.

 

New for this summer:

Hey, we have lots of folks around here who are trying this one!

 

 

 

Special thanks to Shrelauter for helping out on this one.

 

 

You know who this is for.

 

 

And we really hope we don’t need the next book, but it’s better to be prepared.

 

You can get this wherever you shop.

Don’t forget to check out our wonderful local bookstore the Curious Iguana to find all your summer reading needs.

Here is a story about teens having sex for food

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A mood most foul alert: This story is about girls having sex for food, because they live in food insecure households. It is very hard right now not to pull out all the most offensive words in our vocabularies and point out all of the sorts of people who are insensitive to this (at best). We are begging you, please do not elect Frederick’s village idiot to the State Senate. And, FWIW, this is what happens when all of your solutions to problems involve people without boots being told to hoist themselves up by their bootstraps. Disgusting.

WHUT if we do get carried away in a wave of memes? At least they’re smart ones!

It’s time for your drinking game, spring break edition.

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Celebrate while you can Sunny.

FCPS is currently on Spring Break! We are trying to soak up every minute with our dearest children since our overlord Governor Hogan has pretty much nixed any hopes of more than a four day weekend yippe skippy spring break fun time in the future. Channel your inner college break constitution, but remember this is just for fun. Don’t overdo the alcohol. Grab your agenda and steel your mind for the ride!

We hope you had a good holiday. You are going to need to hold onto that good mood when this week’s meeting starts with budget adjustments. When there is a BS abstention on budget items for no good reason throw back a truffle bunny, because we know you need a tiny excuse to steal your kid’s candy.

Next up are a few business items. The constant yield tax rate is one of the items. The crystal ball says there will be denial if the constant rate actually stays constant. Throw back a tax break because who has patience for this? Bonus drink if you managed to get your own taxes done by tax day. Next up are hazard mitigation and transportation updates. We recommend abstaining on drinks for those discussions. Save your liver for what’s up next.

Time for the 3rd reading of Limited Private Event Venues Bill. If Council Member Chmelik doesn’t vote Aye for his own Bill drink a poison apple.

Break time! Have some carbs. There are 3 second readings to get through when the meeting reconvenes.

Prepare to throw back some local shots as distilleries, ethics and solar facilities are discussed. We know there will be dead horse flogging during the ethics reading. That poor horse is so dead and flogged that all we can recommend is have a long tall glass of water to quench your tbirst.

Finally, we have a draft budget, followed by public and council member comments. We predict some council member complete nonsense during comments, so finish strong with a bullshit.

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If only this weren’t necessary.

 

With friends like Blaine, who needs a enemy? #Kirbycampaign deluxe edition

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We were first reluctant to advertise the Second Amendment Bait and Tackle Raffle Kirby cooked up to fish for funds, but things got Good Ol Entertaining. Follow along to see what happened next.

PEW PEW PEW Reminder: Delauter was cutting Meals on Wheels before cutting Meals on Wheels was en vogue; if conservatives believe we should handle our problems at the local level, but we handle them at no levels, is that effective government? Calling b.s. on that.

Since our copy is blurry, here is a bulleted list of content:

  • Thanks n stuff. Hugs to my homies.
  • Straight talk, straight answers. Ex: “I won’t sit here and be talked to like some punk.”
  • Family guy, business guy, veteran is worried about what we leave the next generation. (Historically with #: guns and $$ woohoo! Drinking water and blue crabs, meh.)
  • Gun Raffle!!!! That got Hough barrels o’ attention, amirite?
  • BBQ
  • Give him a holler at email or phone or money at website
  • Property rights (Presume he will be looking to donate to provide legal aid to ranchers on the U.S.- Mexico border. Yeehaw!)

This became irresistible, even though free publicity for Kirby’s Bake Sale makes us feel all icky inside, because two “all ickies inside” make a positive. It’s just how integers work. And our favorite skeevy former politician decided to endorse Kirby on Facebook in the Klassiest of ways. I can’t even. You can’t even. We can’t even.

Can y’all believe he didn’t add anything about his various prostitution scandals to this endorsement? Why not trot out all your greatest hits? Sincere question, Blaine: Have you ever been trending higher than Kanye? Maybe you don’t even have the je ne sais quoi to shine Kirb-o’s shoes. It is really strange how these people confuse total bonehead behavior with accomplishments! It’s almost charmingly idiotic!

Unsure about changed behavior. That post gives every impression that it was written by a drunk person, but maybe he is just incredibly stupid? Since the ladies are supposedly the reason Blaine lost, please be sure to grab these Good for Nothin’ Good Ol Boyz by the ballot. Local elections matter, yo.

Monocacy River resource protection plan “upgraded”

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This is just the sort of plan you would idealize if you were a Frederick County resident who would pack up a cooler with whiskey sours in the middle of a Nor’Easter/Hurricane Sandy climate change cocktail event, make a raft like Huckleberry Finn, and set sail to the Walmart 5 miles downstream. We have the best people in Frederick County. Amazing people.

These are the stories we need to reflect on, because we would otherwise lose our minds. It takes all kinds, after all. Someone has to keep us entertained, come hell or high water (or both, as the likely case may be).

The resource protection area was eliminated from the plan, because of property rights. This will help ensure that Frederick County folks can pretend we have a Willy Wonka style chocolate river whenever it rains. This is a great plan. The best plan. If not for this version of the plan, we would start having clear water run in the river when it rains, and these people’s private property wouldn’t wash away in the water, and deposit sediment that can disrupt the flow of the public’s waterway. Boring. Sad.

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Something about not understanding erosion, prior experience with tobacco farming, or the historical changes to the state of Maryland this type of ignorance has already caused–by inexperience at the time, but we should know better now. Much like The Greatest OompaLoompa of All, some people need more fourth grade social studies…

We will have a river for people who are in for a world of pure imagination–you know, like the gentlemen mentioned above.

Sigh.

Let’s teach Blaine about the Scientific Method!

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Yesterday the Frederick Extra brought you a rumor that Frederick County’s very own failed candidate for County Executive believes it’s a fine and dandy idea to seek the office of Frederick City mayor.  We jumped on the baa haa haa bandwagon with our post pointing out that Blaine will not have the crutch of the Electoral College to sail him into office. With more collaboration of this ridiculous rumor making its way into our inbox this morning, we want to do an analysis of this whole situation. Because really…WTF?

Two thirds of your Lady Yokels live within the great City of Frederick’s borders. So we are very much invested and interested in next year’s race. Republican or Democrat we want an intelligent, thoughtful, well qualified person who would steer our city in the right direction. We don’t want a law breaking, kid-cussing, First Lady ogling, person in that office! I mean really people, what else does he have to do?! 

Also, why the city? It’s so perplexing to us why he thinks that’s going to work out for him. District 5? Maybe. But the City of  Frederick? This is where we think Blaine could benefit from learning and applying the Scientific Method.

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Wash, rinse, repeat!

In case you are thinking: Hey politics doesn’t have anything to do with science. Take a moment and read this article and this one. We Lady Yokels have, in our elitist coffee chats, discussed the many benefits of applying the Scientific Method when making life decisions. Now let us break down the process that Blaine should use before deciding to run for mayor:(Pretend this is Blaine talking to himself.)

Identify the Problem: I really want to get back into politics. Is the City of Frederick a race I can win?

Hypothesis: I think I should run for the office of Mayor of Frederick.

Test the hypothesis: Well, since I cannot force the Board of Elections to make the election today, what other information can I use? I can analyze the political demographics of the city, look at this year’s Presidential election results and my performance in the 2014 election.

Analyze the data: Well let’s see here. In the City of Frederick, as of 2013, there are 10,352 Republicans Vs. 16,884 Democrats . There’s little chance of many of those Democrats crossing the line to vote for me and a HUGE chance, given my past behavior, that many of those Republicans will vote for someone else. In the last Presidential Election, Donald Trump lost the city by almost 4, 000 votes (He only won the county by 3,000). And the last time I ran, in a county wide election with more Republicans than Democrats, I lost by a whooping 6, 313 votes!

Conclusion: Well, crap.

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Durh!

Spare us all please!! We don’t want to have to pull these out of our garage, but we will:

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