frederick local yokel

 

If the county council keeps this pace we may need to hire some interns at your faithful Yokel. It’s only the 19th and this is the third meeting we’ve had to monitor. Here’s your agenda, so follow along. (*start time for this evening’s meeting has been changed to 6:00) But please take it easy. There’s still 11 months left in the year. You need your liver for all of ’em.

After approving a single budget transfer, it’s time to get educated on the new voting system and laws. Now anyone who knows this council can attest to the likelihood that there’s going to be some talk on voting I.D. and how the voter fraud in this country is out of control. Of course it’s not, so to calm your nerves slam back an American Spirit. Since we know you believe in this country as much as we do.

Zeus have mercy–impact and school construction fees are coming up! Let the fun begin! Most of us know that if we need more schools it’s going to cost money, right? And it’s going to have to be paid by someone, and does it not make sense that someone should be the people building such houses and requiring more schools? But sense does not always trickle its way up to the dais. And two bills introduced by Bud Otis on behalf of the County Executive? Whoo-eee boy. Might check up on the County Council Watch Facebook “community” for a real show. Make sure your rabies shots are up to date. And, when all the Adequate Public Facilities derision begins, mix up some Divine Wind in the hopes that maybe logic will blow around to the four corners of the earth!

During the closed door break, make sure you take the time to hydrate or perhaps even take a nap.

Public Hearing!!!! Frederick Crossing MXD!!! This is to rezone a parcel of land on the corner of 355 and 85 into a more commercial zone so Ourisman Chevy can put a dealership there. Not sure how this is going to play out. Sometimes those who claim to be pro-business all of the sudden cease to be so when bills are put forth by those they don’t like. So we will leave this part up to you. Shots, pitchers of margaritas or face plants into your couch pillows! We trust you to make the best choice. We will be drinking pitchers of sidecars. Feel free to join us.

 

Recently Kirby and Billy put out an oh so funny employment announcement on county letterhead. So now it begs the question: What else have or will they use county letter head for? Choose from the following options:

A rather short meeting last night. However, that doesn’t mean we don’t have reports to make. Mainly because of this:

It’s the council member comments that have been doing us in lately.  Let’s start with Kirby. As predicted he had some thing to say about the ethics bill. First of all, all business people are going to be “scared to death” to run for local office. And the rest you’ve heard all before and great Juno what will it take to get him to stop this analogy between his making money and the teacher’s voting on the budget?!

As for Billy. He wants to engage in a game of dueling press releases.

Because dammit the press release that dared to correct his press release wasn’t right and how can he get this very egregious snafu fixed? And of course he’s against the ethics bill because it’s against Kirby! And on and on he goes and never does it get any easier, people.

On to Tony! Tony has nothing but praise to sing for the libraries. Let’s have him extend his generous spirit to the school system, since his family has adapted the library system to replace local schools. And sacrifice! Tony wants us all to know how much money and Facebook freedom (nobody told Kirby) the council members have sacrificed for you! Erase the fact that Kirby has never been allowed to bid on county contracts, it’s the potential earnings (that were never going to happen) that he’s given up for you!

And now, kudos to Bud for clearing  up this budget director nonsense. Kirby and Billy would have us believe that nothing has been done to get the council help with the budget. But what about that time they hired that accounting firm? And  what about that time you guys fired them? (Except Billy who was MIA, but who are we kidding he would have abstained anyway.)So the rhetoric about nothing being done in the last 13 months is just a lie.

 

 

No need to call a contractor,  we’re not talking ’bout digging any swimming holes!

This whole hiring a budget officer seems to have everyone’s undies all bunched up. So let’s place bets on when we will actually get one.

No need to ante up. Our pool has no kitty. All you’ll win are bragging rights.

Just leave a comment with the date you think will be the actual first day of work for our yet unfilled position of budget officer. Make sure you include the year. This search could go on fur-ever.

***any entries exceeding 25 words will be automatically disqualified.

So here we find ourselves again Yokels! Last week Billy was in rare form, hopefully things won’t get quite out of hand this week, but hey who are we kidding?  Grab your agenda and remember this game is for your entertainment purposes only.  Billy certainly doesn’t care about any of our liberal readers.

Budget transfers in the house! Only two tonight so it’ll go by fast. Transit and Fire Services! If Billy abstains or says yes instead of the correct aye, slam back a short bus. Since we would like to send him out on a short bus ride to Washington County, one way of course!

Second week of talking about the Samuel Cock homestead. When Billy brings up Trout Run, curse loudly at your TV or computer, then sip on your Troutie to calm yourself down.

Now we are on to three separate bill introductions:

Special exception to historic structures. This bill will do away with the ability to use a historical structure as a group home. We already mentioned Trout Run once , but when Billy moans and complains about how Narconon was not allowed to come up here and convert a bunch of people lift up your Happy Camper. Because that’s what we are since that wasn’t allowed to happen.

Next up, medical cannabis. Billy wants this so there shouldn’t be any acting up. (cough, cough).  Let’s all just drink some Happy Juice so that people who could really use this to feel better can finally get the chance to do so.

And finally, oh dear, ethics. Six proposed changes to the ethics bill. If anyone (Kirby) throws a fit (Kirby), have at a pitcher of Tirade. 

We cannot even begin to predict what may happen during council member comments. Drink at will!

 

County council budget tutor. Part-time, no benefits.

Duties include:
Stand in a parking space for hours.
Read aloud.
Keep track of keys.
Undermine County Executive at every opportunity.
Simplify and explain budgetary concepts for kindergarten level.
Stock, pour and serve Fireball. Hide Fireball when necessary (without forgetting where bottles are stored).

Prefer someone experienced with tolerating insults and banal requests. Ability to snap back with witty sarcasm may prove helpful. Discretion with intra-office relations a must.

We swear we did not make this up:

From: Shreve, Billy
Sent: Thursday, January 07, 2016
To: 25 Ch. (E-mail); 270inc Business Magazine; Abby Theodros; Allen, Susan (E-mail); Ari Ashe ; Ashbury John (E-mail); Assoc Press – Baltimore; Baltimore Associated Press; Bethany Starin; Bill Green; Bill Ryan; Bill Starks; Blair Ames; bob Dunkle; Bob Miller; Brittany Marshall; Bruce Leshan; Carlos Martinez; Channel 9; Charlie Bragale; Cherney, Ragen; chris.gordon@nbcuni.com; Christian Alexandersen; Citizen Brunswick (E-mail); Clifford Cumber; Custom Briefings; Danielle Gaines; David Collins (E-mail); David Conrad; David Dishneau (E-mail); Dianah Gibson; Editor News Herald (E-mail); Emmitsburg News-Journal; FNP Community News; Frederick Chamber (E-mail); Frederick Magazine; Frederick News Post; Gettysburg Times (E-mail); Gina Gallucci; Gorilla Frederick Magazine; Graham Cullen; Harry Covert (The Tentacle); Hillman, Mike ; Jeremy Arias; Jeremy Bauer-Wolf; Jim Lee ; Jordyn Dowd; Karen Gardner; Kayla Brandon; Kelsi Loos; Ken Kellar; Kevin Dayhoff; Krista Brick; Laura Dukes; Laura Smitherman (E-mail); Lisa Bolton (E-mail); Loretta Gaines; Mallory Sofastaii; Mark Kraham; Marshall, Ryan; McManus Kevin; Melinda Woolbright; Michael Betteridge; Mike Persley ; Nancy Lavin; News 4; Paige Jones; Patsy Beckman ; Pattee Brown; Patti Borda Mullins ; Pete Amorgeanos; Pete McCarthy; Rachel Karas; Rebecca Savransky; Rob Walters; Robert Dacey; Robin Santangelo ; Sam Yu ; Santangelo, Robin; Scott Broom; Sonya Burke (Urbana Village Reporter) (E-mail); Susan Nicol; Syliva Carignan; Tanya Black; Tim Wheeler ; Tom Fedor; Travis Pratt; Washington Post; WBAL TV 11; WFMD; WFMD news desk; WHAG; WJLA; WJZ-TV 13 Baltimore (E-mail); WMAR-TV2 (E-mail); WTTG; WUSA; WUSA-Assignment Desk
Subject: FREDERICK COUNTY COUNCIL MEMBERS SHREVE AND DELAUTER REQUEST COUNCIL BUDGET DIRECTOR

Frederick County Council Members Billy Shreve and Kirby Delauter request Council Budget Director. Please see press release below for additional information.

Thank you,

Council Member Billy Shreve
County Council
12 East Church Street
Frederick, MD 21701
PH: 301-600-1034

PRESS RELEASE

Issued by: Council Members Billy Shreve and Kirby Delauter
Frederick County Council
Email: Billy@FrederickCountyMD.gov<mailto:Billy@FrederickCountyMD.gov> and KDelauter@FrederickCountyMD.gov<mailto:KDelauter@FrederickCountyMD.gov>

Issued January 7, 2016

Wanted – Council Budget Director

Help urgently needed!!!

We are responsible for a budget approaching $600 million and need a budget director. There are seven elected Councilman, but not one of us are accountants or CPAs, and the taxpayers deserve the service they elected us to provide. That’s why I am begging you to apply.

Job description – Sorry. After 13 months in office the council has failed to create a job description. In fact we have no plan to create one, and have no plan moving forward. That’s why am sending out this press release and urgent request for assistance.

If you have any budgeting experience I would like to hear from you. We need to hire someone quickly.

In 25 words or less tell me why we should hire you as our budget director.

Along with that, include in a cover letter if you would like to be full-time, part-time, have benefits, require a retainer, or are simply a company that can provide budget assistance.

Would you like to be hourly, salary, or contracted annually? When can you start?

While you are at it … Attach your resume.

If you can have something to me by noon Tuesday, January 12, 2016 that would be great! If you need more time something by Friday, January 15, 2016 at noon is OK, but I prefer Tuesday.

Send the items to Councilman Shreve & Delauter Billy@FrederickCountyMD.gov<mailto:Billy@FrederickCountyMD.gov>, KDelauter@FrederickCountyMD.gov<mailto:KDelauter@FrederickCountyMD.gov>, Subject line: Budget Director. If needed 301-600-1034.

We are a great group of people, very passionate, and love Frederick County. Unfortunately, for some reason, we have been collectively dysfunctional regarding hiring a budget director.

Unfortunately this is not a joke and we do need to hire a budget director immediately.

Help!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
[cid:image002.png@01D1496D.97F00ED0]

[cid:image006.jpg@01D14959.51383490]

Billy Shreve Kirby Delauter
Council at Large Council District 5

First of all,  why wasn’t the Local Yokel included in this list? Now, our 25 word reply in rhyme:

We budget our twenty-five words

Applying to work for two turds

Who snivel and snit and act as dimwits

So at their ugly mugs we shoot birds.

Remember to respond to both of the council men! Let’s flood their inboxes!

This evening’s county council meeting was going so well.  So well, in fact, that your yokel’s were messaging one another wondering what we could possibly say about it. Of course we spoke way too soon, because we oh so stupidly underestimated the chairman’s ability to throw everything all to hell.

Even after a whole year, Billy cannot learn the proper procedures. And we just knew that he was going to find some way to bring up Trout Run tonight. After claiming that he read the FrederickpNews Post story about yesterday’s court case, he asks which attorney is representing the county. Well if he actually read the story he would have seen this:

Really yokels, how stupid is it to refer to a story in the newspaper and then ask a question that is answered in that very same story? Seriously, does he not know how to read?

Billy is quickly shut down for asking questions during comments. Something he has been told many, many times before not to do. He claims to be asking for the public (thanks Billy but we can read). He then inquires as to whether or not he should walk down to the podium as a member of the public to get his questions answered. Our answer would be a resounding yes! Please, please return to the public so that’s the only place we will have to see you anymore.

At the beginning of the meeting Bud apologized for saying some erroneous things about Regina Williams and the position she once held. Instead of just letting it go Billy HAS to bring it up again during his comments because he is a CRETIN. Maybe we can go with Kirby’s Grannypod idea and lock Billy away in one.

Happy New Year one and all! This afternoon is the first council meeting of the new year and its chock full of all kinds of goodness. We are sure that with Billy’s ego all pumped up from his newly elected position as the Republican Central Committee Chairman he’s going to be all kinds of crazy. But please remember this is just for fun, the Chairman will not come and rescue you.  Grab your agenda and hold on to your seats.

Let’s start things off right! When the Chairman of the Board decides that it’s against his long held beliefs to vote on any of the consent agenda items  or to approve the minutes for the previous meetings, throw back a Set the New Year on Fire, because you really didn’t think things were going to change did you?

Time for County Executive appointments. We have all kinds of fun commissions on the list. It’s rare that “someone” doesn’t have something to say during this time. If we happen to make it through this agenda item without a peep, clink glasses with a friend and take a swig of your Silent Sam. Because we all wish for some silence from a few up there.

Zoning time! If Kirby tries to talk about another project that he swears is relevant but really isn’t, slam back an End Zone. 

There’s four items on the first reading calendar. Four! Historical structures, Medical Cannabis, Ethics and Transfer fees! Set up a row of your four favorite shots. Guzzle one down for each time there’s some grandstanding. Refill as necessary.

Public hearing to add the Captain Samuel Cock Farmstead (stop giggling!) to the Frederick County register of historical places. If (when) Billy mentions Trout Run, be sure to daintily sip your Red Rooster.