It’s hard to find the words to attack a costumed children’s character. Not really. We’ve been doing that since the first viewing of Barney, obviously. We thought Xenu and the Thetans and and e-meters were weird, but a local resident who penned this LTE in defense of Narconon has a special angle to delight and/or terrify our children, who really sometimes like to meet people in goofy costumes even less than grownups do. And that is Gumption the Dragon. Check out No Narconon at Trout Run’s links and information, including Gumption’s movie. Gumption has (allegedly) made several public appearances in Frederick and Washington Counties. Imagine the unfortunate soul hiking the Appalachian Trail alone for weeks when he stumbled across Gumption the Dragon interrupting his solitude.
Yikes.
The end of the video has a text slide announcing: Gumption the Dragon Shares Secrets of Power. It was mostly a cheesy, low-rent, kid’s birthday party kind of thing, until the end when it went full kool-aid.
We need our faithful readers help in captioning a photo.
Best caption will be announced next Friday.
You know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words? This one was floating around Facebook after the Council meeting. Please comment with your vote for the perfect caption.
You know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words? This one was floating around Facebook last night.
We do not pretend to understand this man. If we thought we did that would just frighten us. Just please. Please. As undignified as it is to beg, do not reelect him. At numerous points during this meeting he seemed to be channeling this message himself.
The meeting started with a moment of silence in which Billy prayed to the flag, like always. Making the sweeping assumption that his religion aligns with most people of his brand of politics, it seems he did not get the “do not worship false gods before me” memo. Even if we’re wrong about his personal beliefs, it remains super weird for someone who hates the government as much as he does.
If you were following our drinking game, right out of the gate you racked up some bacon vodka shots on his abstentions and stubborn utterances of all the things other than yay or nea. He thinks this is a clever way to irritate other people. He is wrong. The reaction he mistakes for aggravation is that familiar astonishment that occurs when someone lives up to extraordinarily low expectations, “Can it really be that this guy is actually as batpoop nuts as we keep saying he is? YEP. Bat.Poop.Nuts.Unbelievable.”
And to prove it: nobody besides Billy, not even #kirbydelauter, wanted to get on board with allowing the historic designation that would enable the Scientologists to set up camp and maybe abuse drug addicts (as is *allegedly* their schtick, according to numerous news reports of Narconon facilities elsewhere) at Trout Run. Kirby produced the exact opposite of the “yup he’s nuts” reaction by citing the desires of his constituents. Billy could have tried something like that, but his apparent disorder compels him otherwise. (Also: Champagne toast!)
Moving forth on the agenda to the point that we were perfectly confident to diagnose the oppositional defiant disorder, there was a wacky discussion of the merits of the Clean Chesapeake Coalition, where the Democrats were concerned that it was wasteful spending, so Billy, ever the spendy liberal environmentalist (????no) hammered away at the numerous benefits of Frederick County’s membership in a fanatical fiscal responsibility twist. Like a ride on a Tilt-A-Whirl.
After some zzzzzzzzzz building code stuff…ugh. In all seriousness, laws that keep people physically safe and from the industries ripping them off by lobbying for expensive requirements are basically the best reason for not drowning the government in the bathtub, but still boring. Billy took a break from most of his favorite shenanigans for this conversation. Maybe it made him want a nap, too.
Then Billy was vehemently opposed–is there any other way for an ODD person to be?–to adding floating holidays and additional sick days for county employees, even though it was laboriously and pathetically trotted out as the most miserly way to hope to improve morale for county employees on the cheap. It passed, despite his “absolutely not.”
The end is mired in jockeying around procedure. Procedure is a really, very, extremely, consistently challenging problem for Mr. Shreve though, and this part is tough on everyone to the point that it sparkles and shines. Jerry Donald wants to suspend the rules in order to make a motion to send a letter to County Executive Jan Gardner requesting applications to the Frederick County Register of Historic Places be suspended until they can have clarification of the ordinance. Billy seizes the moment to insist they need to do the same thing with ethics. The high point is hit when he asks Michael Chomel what he would suggest and Chomel fires back in what we are so hoping was his most diplomatic way of saying, “Bugger off,” when he replies, “I don’t think it is a good idea to ask me such a broad question.” Whether that was his intent or not, we laughed our knickers off at the idea. After watching Chomel ever so patiently running remedial kinder council for him, it sure seems like the only way to hear that.
As you have probably heard, the county council voted (6-1) not to put Trout Run on the historical register.
Now, now Xenu. No need for that!
We here at Local Yokel were really surprised at how the votes laid out. REALLY SURPRISED! No public comment was allowed, but the council members were allowed to discuss the issue amongst themselves.
The discussion was prefaced with some really good remarks from one of our heroes, County Attorney Michael Chomel. He explained to all of us the language of the ordinance and specifically the legal meaning of the words shall and may. He told the council that they were on good legal footing if they were not persuaded by the arguments set forth by the petitioner, whom in fact has the burden of convincing the council that they do indeed deserve the designation. We love to hear good, succinct explanations and we appreciate all that Mr. Chomel has to go through at these meetings.
So then begins the discussion. At first no one wants to put forth a motion to even discuss this issue. But wait, here comes Billy! I will! I Will! He practically screams. He puts forth a motion to approve the designation. Sigh. But who are we kidding? We all knew that was coming.
Anyway, our favorite local history teacher, Mr. Donald steps in to refute the opinion that this property is in fact historic. Take for example the petitioners claim that this Adirondack style is rare. Well, Mr. Donald listed at least three properties within two miles of his house that look exactly like the buildings at Trout Run.
Me thinks I see lots of this kind of building around these here parts. Photo courtesy of Kimberly Mellon
Now comes Kirby’s turn. And we are sure we are going to hear why he’s going to approve this. After all, this is the guy who said he didn’t care what color drapes they hung. He starts out saying that what is or is not historic is subjective. And up goes the hairs on the back of our neck because we are sure we know what is coming. But NO! We were wrong! Kirby’s constituents have contacted him and not one single person was in favor of this. Kirby actually listened to those he represents and voted no! Now pay very good attention readers because we suspect this may not happen for a very long time, or maybe ever again:
Yes, Kirby! You get a tip of our hat for actually listening to the people you represent.
Now we are back to Billy. And Good Xenu, was he in a state tonight. None of his buddies were backing him up and so he starting reaching for straws. Somehow Billy just knows the Chinese are laughing at us because we don’t have anything historic in this infantile little country of ours. He just knows! When he realizes all is lost we hear, “This is a sad day in Frederick County history!”
Well, Mr. Shreve we must object. When a goodly amount of people do not agree with a very small commission’s findings and organize themselves in such as way as our U.S. Constitution protects, we find that the opposite of sad. This property would NEVER be for the use of Frederick County citizens. It is not a rare example of its type of architecture. And nothing of historical significance took place within it’s boundaries. We are curious as to why Mr. Shreve was giving a New York Times reporter a tour of the property while spewing nonsense about Franklin Roosevelt using ramps that weren’t built until the 1980’s. Why is he so invested in this property? Why?
We are sure this is not the end of this. Scientology is famous for filing lawsuits and without a doubt one is coming. Alas, we will bask in the glory of tonight’s victory and hope for many more. If Narconon should rear it’s head once more, we found this hanging up in a local coffee shop:
The agenda for tonight’s meeting is super ambitious. So ambitious that we really recommend that you pace yourself. Please remember that this game is for entertainment purposes. We here at Local Yokel do not want to hear about Billy getting calls because you are passed out in your neighbor’s front yard!
If Kirby makes a fuss over a Budget Transfer throw back a Fireball shot.
If (when) Billy abstains–two bacon vodka shots.
If Billy objects to continued Membership with the Clean Chesapeake Coalition grab a Natty Boh (we heard somewhere that the savvy guys buy ’em with quarters). Don’t forget to put it in a koozie.
If it comes up that the Grand Canyon is a benefit of erosion, or any other environmental science is twisted around to crazy town, take a drink for each instance.
If Bud decides to align with the Republican council members on this issue, shotgun the beer.
You see a glassy-eyed Scientology follower make yourself a Martini–shaken, not stirred.
Trout Run historic designation is approved-any bottle of liquor in a brown paper bag will do or really go full out and break out your funnel from your college days. If it has a moth ball odor, rinse first.
Trout Run historic designation is denied-champagne all around.
During public comments if some one attempts to link our favorite # council member to Chicken Parts Gate, drink a zombie.
At any rate, play along and the only thing we can guarantee is a full on raging hangover. Plan ahead and have a bloody mary lined up as hair of the dog for tomorrow morning.
You can findFCG TV hereairing live at 4:30 pm, or the archives if you need to catch up on the drama in previous episodes.
Trying to keep up with our feelings about the editorials published lately has been like a Taylor Swift song. Dizzying and emotionally immature. We’re ready to get back together with them now that we’ve read This Bud’s for you, which aligns pretty perfectly with what we’ve got going onup in here.
Can you blame Bud for not wanting to be thrown in with those two when they act like they do, and who haven’t suggested one sensible, rational or measurably meaningful piece of legislation in all their time in office (including four wretched years as county commissioners)?
‘Nuff said.
We would also like to direct attention to an LTE authored by Stephen D. Campen. It is an absolute delight to read, calling for Kirby Delauter’s resignation. What a terrific idea! Coming from a registered Republican, it also seems to bolster support for the idea that Jan and Bud are working together to do what a large part of the county would like to see happen.
By attacking Otis for voting on the issues before him, as opposed to strictly with the Republicans, Delauter has clearly shown he does not care about the entirety of the populace…
It was a tiny little column in yesterday’s FNP, so tiny that you may have missed it. But just as Billy didn’t disappoint in a shorter than usual council meeting, it doesn’t take but a few words to see Billy’s true colors.
In her Political Notes column, Jen Fifield writes that Billy is still planning on abstaining on budget issues. Never mind that pesky NO vote on the actual budget. That was just an anomaly. Why you may be asking yourself? Or huh? Or WTF? We’ll let Billy tell you:
“The problem has not been solved. … It’s like saying the pledge of allegiance to the flag. You never stop doing it,” he said.
Also, he said, he enjoys the media coverage and watching the entire council cringe when he does it.
“They hate it,” he said.
“I pledge allegiance to acting dumb and abstaining from votes on the budget. And to vote with Norquist and local radio hams, to block Jan at every turn and be divisible in every possible way.”
Well there you have it! Good solid reasons! He seems to have thought this out really well. But seriously folks, he’s our AT-LARGE representative? How in Aphrodite’s sweet world did that happen?
Don’t blame me I just work here!
We are going to keep a nice record of all this nonsense so this anomaly does not happen again. Because seriously, this can’t happen again. Who is with us?
Yikes.
frederick local yokel 
