Why can’t some people just be still? Your first half of the meeting run-down, February 13th edition.

Our meeting starts off with a nice recognition of the Linganore High School football team. Billy votes against the whole agenda, so can’t he just leave now? We have four nice public commenters. Many are present to talk about the amendments to the Forest Ordinance Bill. Melanie Cox, of the League of Women Voters, also commends the council for putting the hearing concerning DRRAs back on the agenda. The league has researched this issue, and believes this bill is a good way to balance growth in our community.

Next up is a rather lengthly discussion from Carson Bise on impact fees. You can read the whole report if you like. Basically, elementary and high schools will be severely overcrowded by 2026-27 if we aren’t careful.

Most of the council members have thoughtful comments and questions, but not Kirby! He seems to want to argue over the cost of the study, then doesn’t. Then he tells us that WE should have planned better for all this growth!


Is he actually admitting fault, or trying to pretend he hasn’t been on the board/council since 2010? He was a significant part of the “we” who should have done this hypothetical planning. Anyhoo, Kirby doesn’t think it’s much of a crisis yet. And, we have all these homes in the pipeline and all these homes were in the pipeline in the past, so all’s good?


Billy wants to know if FCPS is going to redistrict the whole county any time soon, you know because that’s such an easy, uncomplicated process! So, Urbana folks don’t be surprised when Billy starts advocating that your kids be shipped up to Thurmont!

John Mathias, our esteemed county attorney, is here to make a presentation on the legal side of DRRAs. He explains their history, court cases, and implications for our county. He tells of a certain court case which ruled that you couldn’t change the type of development once vesting had occurred. Mostly because it isn’t fair to the people who already invested in said development. It seems as though Mr. Mathias was sent there to explain to some people how to do their job. More power to him! Tony has much to say, but we are to the point where his voice is just a buzzing noise, so you’ll have to figure all that out on your own.

Lastly, before the council breaks, Jessica and Tony introduce some amendments to the County Executive’s Forest Ordinance Bill. With input from the community they came up with some compromises. The amendments pass, with Billy and Kirby voting no. It will now go back to a public hearing.

Bud then moves to have his forest bill removed from consideration. He tells us that he wishes there was more discussion before hand, before he felt the need to write his own bill. He states that compromise is good for the community and the country. And, we would really like to know, Bud, when things all broke down. We are still perplexed and angry over all that’s gone down lately. Bill is removed with Billy abstaining and Kirby voting no.

The council then goes into closed session, we hear that more shenanigans went down with the DRAA hearing. Stay tuned!

Post President’s Day drinking game-Get your shot glasses ready!

Busy week here in the county!!! First off we have a regular legislative day on the 16th and then a joint BOE meeting on the 17th. The agenda looks juicy, so grab it here and play  with caution. No alcohol poisoning.  We need all the Yokels we can get in this upcoming election season!

Budget transfers have been going pretty well lately. However, the library is on the list this week! And you know how thoughts of reading and learning really get some of our councilmen in a tizzy. Slam back an Attitude Adjustment if you hear any negative thoughts about the fancy learning that the libraries afford us. We can dream that change can happen, can’t we?!

Next up are appointments. If anyone decides to take to behave like a U.S. Senator threatening to block a Supreme Court justice, shoot back two, yes two glassfuls of  Four Horsemen.

Look how happy Billy is with his prop! Photo: Bill Green, FNP.
Look how happy Billy is with his prop! Photo: Bill Green, FNP.

Time to discuss deer hunting and crop damage. Should be interesting.  Not sure where to take this one, so just sip upon your  Ratty Ol’Deer Head whenever you hear the word deer.

Great Helena, Zeus, Poseidon, and Sappho please hear all of our combined cries for mercy!!!!! It’s time for the dead horse ethics discussion. There just isn’t any way that we will get through this without any nonsense, is there? No Kirby you cannot profit off the county until 2018!!! And no more teacher/BOE conflict of interest talk!! NONE!!! Set up a row of Cement Kickers and drink as much as you need to calm your nerves!!

Maybe we will get lucky and Gumption the Dragon will make another appearance at tonight’s meeting. She’s really keen on the Narconon and really, really hates this special exception bill. If we are lucky enough to spot this local celebrity, treat yourself to some Dragon’s blood.

Let’s just lump impact fees and school construction into one category shall we?  If Kirby makes the big reveal about how he’s going to single-handily fix our education problems mix up some Too Cool for School, since we suspect his plan has something to do with dismantling public education.


Award winning council members also attended this week’s council workshop

That workshop was something to behold. As we try to figure out how to adjust our Adequate Public Facilities Ordinance so the schools aren’t so crowded, our major characters were relegated to supporting roles. Tony Chmelik took his soliloquy a bit too seriously. As we have previously noted, Chmelik could not provide us the courtesy of making any damn sense.

A couple of high points. Runner up for the “Best-Calling-Out-of-a-Smarmy-(but-Exceptionally-Loquacious) A$$ Award” goes to Councilmember Shreve for blasting into his microphone at Chmelik: NO. You cannot interject! You’ve done nothing but interject for 50 minutes!

We do love when someone up on the dais says exactly what we are thinking.

We have to promptly dissolve this alliance with Shreve, though, because he wants to shuffle the grades around. Maybe send some fifth graders to middle school, maybe some middle schoolers to high school, they aren’t crowded, etc. Whatevz. It’s hard to get good education policy enacted from experts in pedagogy and child development. Please tell us we won’t be entertaining harebrained schemes introduced by part time council act who does not have a child, but still acts like one himself.

As a warm up, Jessica Fitzwater laughingly acknowledged  that Tony is never quick, when he pleaded for a couple of quick questions.

But the true heroism comes in when Ms. Fitzwater activates her superpower (that’s teacher voice) to get errant pupil Kirby Delauter back on track. He is disrupting the group by alluding to plans to solve school overcrowding (mysteriously, he cannot reveal any plans at the present time; he didn’t do the homework). Just at the moment we are saying, “Plans? What plans? We haven’t heard any plans?” Ms. Fitzwater seizes the teachable moment. The protocol for revealing one’s plans for the county is not The Tentacle.  Much like a soliloquy–speaking to oneself without regard to the audience–it seems as though that website is not actually a recognized forum. More like a safety deposit box for nonsense (because these “ideas” Kirby has published so far are batpoo crazy). So it sounds like The Tentacle does not write legislation or even agendas for the Frederick County Council. Who? Knew?  (????) And we are all like, “Nailed it!!!!” For bonus points: #KirbyDelauter was irritated, because he knows that they can’t retroactively place impact fees on Spring Ridge (or anywhere else) because there is no legal leverage to do this thing that was an idea originating from his own dim dome, so “they are wasting time…[discussing his stupid idea].”


We simply cannot wait to hear of the plan to address this that # and Tony Chmelik are percolating this week.  It’s probably either send wishes to a fairy godmother or online schooling. Both seem about as reality based.


Impact fees: kabooooom.

So the council had a workshop last night on the impact fees associated with new school construction costs. We let that get a little ahead of us, what with all this falalalala to do. Tonight we watched with half an eyeball while wrapping gifts. That was not so fun. Happy freaking holidays. We hope you got in the egg nog we suggested earlier.

They say nature abhors a vacuum, and tonight we were missing Kirby, which really upset the ecosystem. Unfortunately, Tony got sucked right into Delauterburst mode. So the CE wants to raise these impact fees. Clearly there’s no greater pleasure in life than levying fees; she and her people must be ecstatic. Democrats just live for that, so the straw man sayeth. Actually, this is suggested in solution to the problem that Urbana and Hillcrest are overcrowded and new elementary schools are needed, not just for the decadent joy of big government.

Where are Kirby and Jessica? We miss you Jessica.
Where are Kirby and Jessica? We miss you Jessica. (I read once that writing is as much about what you leave out…)

Tony would like to solve this problem by redistricting, apparently. A thing almost no one else could possibly want. That always goes badly, but what would he know about that? At Chmelik Academy, redistricting might mean moving from the kitchen to the dining room.  Also, Tony says if Frederick High (which isn’t very relevant to the discussion, since the high school impact is not being looked at for a change at this time) looks like the Taj Mahal, people are going to be upset. I don’t know about you all, but back where I come from when community high schools look like…palatial mausoleums…people are majorly proud of their fancy-schmancy school. And I have to point out that would be a super-duper RED state, not some tax and spend paradise.

Most of the hour and a half meeting was Chmelik being rude. At one point he claimed to have still been in his line of questioning, but in point of fact the question was being answered and he was still talking like Donald Trump speaking over Joe Scarborough. He did apologize later, saying that he was railing against policy and not meaning personal offense, but whoa Nellie. It was one of those moments where even when he may have had a point, he lost it, because his behavior was so terrible. How the mighty do fall. We were just complimenting him last week.

Look how awesome Frederick High is going to be!

Good news, though. Billy will save the day. He thinks it’s not a big deal because the schools have 10% absenteeism (where? this seems unsupported by facts) so the 500 kids who do not have a permanent seat in the system…can just go to school when the flu is going around? I don’t really know what he meant. And neither do you, do you? WTH? Jerry Donald helpfully pointed out that they cannot just be beamed elsewhere. har har. How was it necessary to point that out? And yet…Plus, Billy has trotted out another idea, and that is to send elementary kids to middle school. Remember middle school? Would you go there for your even more vulnerable years? No thanks. GREAT GRAVY. Go away, Billy Shreve.