Seriously!
Seriously!

Seems like the 1st of the month is Kirby’s special time to be a “Guest Columnist” on the noodley appendage. We’ll try to cover it in enough detail so you won’t have to look. However, if you prefer to be a first hand witness to this train wreck of a post, feel free to click here. 

Let’s start with some vocabulary:

Feel free to pick any of the above. They all work!
Feel free to pick any of the above. They all work!

Kirby’s thought process is just…well bizarre. He tries oh so very hard to come up with some cute anti-business nickname for Jan. The best he can muster is: “County Executive Jan (please take your business elsewhere) Gardner.” So very witty. In this post treating Jan as the most anti-business elected representative in the world, we are graced with three examples.

Example 1!: A rant about a trash company that is not allowed to dump their trash coming from outside the county into our county dump. Kirby doesn’t do a good job explaining how this trash is actually in county. Not at all. Instead he gives an example about buying a couch in Montgomery County and then years later being denied the right to dump it at the Frederick County landfill. Not quite the same thing, but okay. Why does Jack Handy come to mind?

the-wise-man-can-pick-up-a-grain-of-sand-and-envision-a-whole-universe-jack-handey

Example #2!: Another company has been told that their refuse would start a fire in the landfill. We don’t know the details, and we are pretty sure that Kirby doesn’t either (just a hunch–see entire Facebook saga of wedding venues with no permits), and if this company has a legitimate claim they would be wise to go through someone other than Kirby. Who, in his analysis of this situation, claims that the county is assuming the worst about this business. There couldn’t be any logical explanations as to why the county could have this policy could there?

Example 3! (is our favorite): Here we find Kirby trying his best to defend the actions of Shade Trees and Evergreens. You know one of the aforementioned wedding venues, which secured ZERO permits? Kirby tries to answer those who would question his stance on this business in the following fashion:

Now you can say, Mr. Delauter, you know damn well Shade Trees knew they were operating illegally and it’s their fault!

 

I could say that, but I know all too well being in business in Frederick County for 30 years how many times the county has showed up on our jobs and stated the rules have changed without notice. That’s right, they changed county code, no notification to business owners effected, just do as we say, and get over it. Oh, and pay a fee of course.

Ummm, this is not what happened at ALL. So what does Kirby say the solution should be? So glad you asked! Kirby’s solution is that Queen Jan should use her Executive Order powers to declare that this place stay open to the end of the year. Yes, those same Executive Order powers that practically sent him to the soup kitchen. No matter those pesky health and sewage inspections. And we should all ignore the fact that legitimate businesses who went through the proper channels are being undersold.

So this epic poem concludes with Jan killing all the county businesses. And now Kirby has NO choice but to consider a run for County Executive. No choice at all.

So many unanswered questions in the world. So many.
So many unanswered questions in the world. So many.