Here is your agenda for May Day’s Sobriety Challenge. There are budget adjustments, and since this is like Cheers, “where everybody knows your name,” we all know who will be oppositional during the regular scheduled business portion up top. It is not worth endangering our blessed livers to drink for this anymore. We will need these in working order just so we can get through the next election.

The first new business pertains to a bill regarding the Frederick County Sustainability Commission. Sustainability sounds like socialism (not really, but whatever certain people don’t like is “the socialist agenda”) so…queue up the histrionics? Take your mayday swig of whatever you have handy if any related slippery slope variety nonsense comes up. Cheap wine straight from a bottle (box/spigot?) seems fitting.

Council decisions will be required for three separate items.

• Elderly Individual and Retired Military Tax Credit: if Billy Shreve finally accomplishes something…Well, lets not go overboard. This is a good bill, we should make a nice toast, take a sip, and carry on under the informed hypothesis that it will be back to the regularly scheduled B.S.B.S.
• Off Track Betting: prediction–this will pass easily, based on the prior discussions. Giddy Up! Maybe have a Black-Eyed Susan, which seems hella elitist for video gambling, but we have to spruce things up on occasion, don’t we?
• Veterans Advisory Council: this better pass, and there’s no reason to think it wouldn’t. Unanimously. Another toast for what happens when government functions cooperatively. If something goes horribly awry, chug the bottle.

Public hearings are scheduled before the break, and after, and this is going to be a lot to digest. We have Installment Purchase Programs, City Enterprise Zone for the Golden Mile, and a Petition to alter county roads in the city watershed. Definitely have some bread and pasta during the break if you’re going to keep up with this game after the break, because first up is Constant Yield, and you must know we are going to get another lesson on how keeping the property tax rate the same is a tax increase because the county will get more money, which one would imagine may make a certain amount of sense, since if they have to purchase any land or anything it is at today’s prices and not yesteryear’s. Suggested solution: finish your glass.

Thankfully (and miraculously) Kirby and Jerry have done the magical bipartisan duo thing to craft a relief bill to supplement seniors, because their property values are going up, and consequently their tax bill is higher. This is the right idea for legislation, because this is also important for people on fixed incomes. If Kirby toots his own horn for his very lately discovered election season cooperative sensibility…what do we mean, “if…”? When Kirby pats himself on the back, finish that bottle.

Switch to rosé. Gag. Also up for discussion is that whole thing about whether your neighborhood pool/tennis court/community center has to actually be in your neighborhood, if it is to be exclusive to your neighborhood. What kind of special mediocre elite nonsense is this meant to address anyway, anyway? If you want a country club, go join one. FFS. Your bottle was empty after Kirby’s issue above anyway, right? Now you will definitely have a headache in the morning.

And that brings us to Adequate Public Facilities. Rest In Peace.