After we’ve been honing our skills covering the nutty as fruitcake shenanigans of our local dingdongs, most particularly Shrelauter and their cuckoo cruise director (that would be former Commissioner and one time pseudogubernatorial candidate Blaine Young, in case you’re new around here), your locals are beginning to wonder if we could not be of better service to our fellow citizens by getting ourselves into the White House Press Corps.

We started to hear noise about tossing out the traditional media and adding a bunch of yahoos who don’t even bother to retract falsifications. This job sounds easy-peasy (not that that’s really our style–if we screw up, we’ll be the first to admit it). But, doesn’t that take the pressure off? Now that the executive branch of the United States seems local level loony, there are really no longer standards of decorum to adhere to at all. We’ve already been primed for this, so we should really have a chance to give it a go.

Of course, we would need to go incognito, because we mostly hate people. We don’t really want to walk among the teeming masses a lot of the time, so we try to stay in the shadows. That Guy Fawkes mask is already taken. How would we dress? Scream mask seems appropriate. We know we’re adversarial, but being freakishly conspicuous, plus adopting ridiculous and campy schtick really could be an asset to the presidential ratings gameshow. Hello Kellyanne playbook, we saw your goofy but oxymoronic Georgian England American inaugural outfit!

 

We are seriously full of wicked awesome ideas.
We are seriously full of wicked awesome ideas.

And now we’re getting all “intersectional” with Cam Harris tying our area to the national but artificial news (or alternative facts or whatever the crock we’re calling doublespeak now). The icing on the cake was learning that Trumpkin’s propaganda minister has had a five year long spat with Dippin’ Dots for no discernible reason, and this nugget alone is reason to suspect that our talents could definitely be put to use on a larger platform. Probably we’ve said too many critical things already and therefore we are bad fake news and not good alternative facts. Sad!