We cannot take a half hour nap this week without some steaming dung getting caught up in an oscillating fan. Flagrant imbecile Kirby Delauter has hired Cameron Harris, noteworthy creator of fake news, as his spokesperson. Harris used this side gig while he was working for Del. Vogt to bring in, at one point, $1,000 an hour in ad revenue (NYT). Vogt fired him. No word on whether or not he is still living in Vogt’s basement (awkwarrrrrd). Obviously a person of such upstanding moral character was determined to be a perfect fit for the Delauter campaign!
But, wait. There’s more. The Frederick News Post has published the push poll Kirby was running to try and suggest in the “just asking questions here” way that Afzali was a liberal supporter of terrorists. Fake News Harris seems pretty proud of the manipulation. True colors and all. Afzali’s annoying as heck (remember when she anonymously texted Sheriff Jenkins to be all Mean Girls?) and has done plenty of ridiculous stuff, but this is not a contest of the absurd. Or, wait, is it?
Seriously questionable timing. An ethics task force appointed by Jan Gardner has not yet completed its findings on how to strengthen the county’s ethical guidelines, and preemptively we have been tossed a bombshell with the findings of the “ethics commission“. Things that make you go hmmm.
The justification for allowing Councilman Kirby to bid on storm water management projects [which haha, duh, is so nota problem, woohooo the Rain Tax was repealed; pssst that is a huge lie so that everyone gets to smell like roses], plus also the county must let Delauter bid on doing all the other stuff Frederick digs up, relies on the fact that the county executive has a great deal of power in determining what happens with the bidding process and contracts. This is all well and good if you trust County Executive Gardner to make objective decisions. For some odd reason here at the Yokel we have an entirely different vision of the likely outcomes with a different person up in the executive saddle.
Delauter estimates his company could have received $4 million to $5 million in projects during his time as a commissioner if he had been able to submit bids.
“To give up that kind of work just to be a county commissioner, it is giving up a lot to serve your community,” he said.
Ummmm yeah how ’bout no. Kirby should give up serving profiting from Frederick County and go run his business milk it for all it’s worth in a way that doesn’t have anyone questioning whose hand is feeding whom? Plus, we will have to constantly bring up that time a guy working for the county thought his department should get to replace a 17 year old truck, and he was a punk. Teachers who may vote to increase the BOE budget and down the road the BOE may vote to give teachers a little raise so that they can afford to keep buying school supplies for their classrooms, and maybe get a smidge of realistic compensation for working nights, weekends, and summers (who knew!) planning and grading and documenting and doing professional development–those people are sure to be accused of padding their pockets. When a part-time county employee’s family digging business wants to get $5 million-ish from taxpayers, that is to be regarded as ethically sound and fiscally prudent use of public funds. Hoss, we’re hoping to buck you from this part-time gig, eventually, and then you won’t have so much stuff to try and keep consistent up in your dome.
Paparazzi darling Kirby Delauter is the District 5 representative to the Frederick County Council. A small-town boy in every sense of the word, he must have scarcely been able to imagine his recent bottle-rocket ride to fame.
Kirby was raised in the sleepy hamlet of Thurmont in the northern part of Frederick County, where he graduated from Catoctin High School, later joining the U.S. Army. He resides there today as owner and operator of the excavation company, W.F. Delauter & Son, founded by his grandfather. His business is instrumental in fueling the ire of cynical Frednecks over possible conflicts of interest between his role in county decision-making and his involvement in the local construction trade. According to the Frederick County Government website, Delauter was elected County Commissioner in 2006—but election returns that year do not include him as a candidate. He was elected in 2010.
Local lore paints Delauter as the sidekick of self-described Good Ol Boy/Poster Child for Narcissistic Personality Disorder Blaine Young, along with a person often thought of as his BFF: Billy Shreve (pronounced Billah Shreeeeeeve). These characters are holdovers from their reign of disaster on the Board of County Commissioners from 2010 to 2014, where they generally voted as a triumvirate considered the dream team of developers, and against any and all spending. If they were to vote to drown the government in a lily pond, we suspect W.F. Delauter & Son would be immediately hired to dig the hole.
In 2014 the county was divided into constituencies in accordance with the recent formation of a charter style government, and Delauter was elected to represent District 5 on the self-evidently short-sighted slogan: Govern like a Taxpayer TODAY. This proved to be a winning strategy. Not many people in District 5 were concerned with the needs of tomorrow. Some noteworthy individuals crossed party lines before the last election to endorse Delauter’s opponent Mark Long, especially the mayors of both Myersville and Thurmont. Both gentlemen cited disagreements tied to their towns’ business interactions with Delauter’s excavation company.
Shortly after his election to represent the rural northern territory, Kirby must have surprised even himself when he fired off the tired, old, “I’m going to sue you,” threat. He took aim at a reporter for using his name in the paper without his permission. This stunt, while hardly atypical of a man who has a YouTube Channel devoted to the asinine things he says in fits of temper, achieved a certain level of notoriety. Social media fired back. With all the attention, even the national media pointed their lenses in defense of a reporter’s First Amendment freedoms.
A news story by Bethany Rodgers just prior to the election, which Delauter refers to as a “hit piece” instigated the incident. Ironically, one of the main reasons cited by local officials for choosing not to endorse Delauter was his short fuse.
Here are two dueling local radio hosts: Dave Schmidt being 100% accurate, and Bob Miller with #teamdelauter not catching on that the Nazis are still the bad guys. They are debating over a characteristically ridiculous statement Kirby made to Danielle Gaines of the Frederick News Post.
The alt-right is not a thing. It is a rebranding, because supposedly we all know that. If you look at the Totally Nazi Invitation for “Unite the Right” there are Third Reich eagles all over it along with the “Heritage Not Hate LOL WTF” flag. It’s weird how those things are always hanging out together. Birds of a feather, etc. If there were no Nazi rally, with their Nazi graphic design, there would not have been a thing. The Nazi side actually killed someone. Get a flipping clue here, people.
This was the poster inviting Trump’s “very good people” to the Unite the Right rally. Note the Nazi imagery and the speakers: pic.twitter.com/3MOVdyKD3T
One side is out at night carrying torches and making Klan salutes, but in 2017 they are brazen enough to have their Klanfest without even having the decency to cover their pasty faces. Look how samesies the other side is, out at night having a candlelight vigil for a young lady killed by a Nazi. “Both sides!!!!!”
We are sure you’ve heard that Kirby wants Jan’s job. He’s oh so sure he could do better than she. However, considering the fact that he’s never submitted legislation during his time on the council, that he was Blaine’s lap dog during his tenure on the BOCC, and that he constructed the most indecipherable flowchart in the history of forever, we are just a tad bit skeptical. It appears that many others are as well. Check out the comment section on the FNP article about his announcement. Where’s the love folks?!
Kirby released this statement to both the paper and the Facebook world:
We’ve been following our dear friend Kirby for a number of years now, and we can tell you with 100% certainty this ain’t his style! Especially the last paragraph in which he sings the praises of the talented and educated people of Frederick County!! And let’s not jump ahead of ourselves with that future County Executive nonsense! There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance.
Need some proof that Kirby, in an attempt to turn a kinder, gentler leaf, now has a ghost writer? Scroll away!
Now that is the # we all know and…well…tolerate!!! Please, don’t try and repackage yourself Kirby, we all have your number already!
“Should Trump supporters stay true, he predicts a similar outcome for his buddy, Council Member Kirby Delauter (R) in his quest to become county executive in 2018. “He’s just like Trump,” Shreve said of Delauter.”
Wow! What an endorsement! Let’s pause for a minute and envision what our fair county would look like if our new County Executive was “just like Trump.”
After a contentious campaign season, in which Mr. Delauter referred to county council members having their heads up Mrs. Gardner’s skirt, (you know, “locker room talk”), he manages to squeak a win with the support of the most Northern and Southern parts of the county. A win that horrifies the most populous areas of the county who didn’t think it was important to vote in a local election. His swearing in ceremony is #YUGE! He claims that large screens had to be set up at Baker Park for the crowd that was spilling out of the Weinberg. A claim that is refuted by the Frederick City Parks Department when they release pictures of a couple of people walking their dogs. Kirby’s team claims that the parks department is super biased, and how can you trust a bunch of government bloodsuckers anyway?
His first day is spent signing a flurry of Executive Orders. Orders that were previously so very evil and over-stepping, but are now a completely reasonable way of governing. His son will resume operations of his business, but no fear, family members can now do business with the county. ‘Tis the free market, people! Fifty people are sent to the hospital due to the food poisoning contracted at Kirby’s celebration party. All those “out of control” health inspectors were the first to go!
Speaking of the county health department, it will be headed by a former snakes oil salesman. There will be no more programs to promote healthy behaviors in this county! People need the freedom to eat their BBQ, drink their Fireballs, and vape without the government telling them they are going to drop dead!
County parks will be sold to the highest bidder and you will be charged admission to enter. Swings will now be equipped with coin machines, 50 cents for every 10 minutes, and you better keep an eye on that timer, because when your time is up the swing freezes. If junior happens to be stuck in mid-air, well, don’t you take any personal responsibility for your kid’s life?
All county government correspondence must be in the shape of a teardrop:
FCPS’s budget will be stripped to the bare minimum. High schools will be closed and teenagers will be forced to buy access to their own online programs in order to achieve their dreams. No more frills either! Kids can eat in the hallway and the history curriculum will now be provided by the Heritage Foundation. All school staff will now be outsourced with part time workers making minimum wage.
All business and zoning regulations will be stripped. Frederick will look something like this:
Libraries will be shuttered because we have a Barnes and Noble and reading is for wussies anyway. CE Delauter will spit on any and all environmental regulations. Mysteriously, we’ll be in severe debt at the end of #’s realm. All those tax cuts really made a mark. Our graduation rate has also plummeted, crime is up, thousands are dead due to water borne illnesses, and there is a general feeling of malaise throughout the land. Who could have foreseen it? More importantly, who could have prevented it?
Hey, so we already had words for y’all about local press and freedom of press and what Kirby thinks and how he and his pal Trumpet can stick their Twitter fetish where the sun don’t shine. Please indulge any liberties with the paraphrase. We grow monumentally impatient with these super special teaflakes.
If you didn’t catch it, Sam Bee’s latest Full Frontal (the one with Glenn Beck!!!!) has some harsh to dish out on people who can’t be bothered to notice a local issue because it doesn’t scroll under their nose with their social media headlines (a mission we’ve been endeavoring to remedy). And truly we do recommend that you check out Kirby’s social media. What on Uhhhhrth would we do without that?
And we have called upon you to pay attention to the legitimate media. We believe in being localvores–especially with regard to media consumption. They can’t be the best they can be if you expect them to do their jobs for free. This is our hobby, yo. And as such, we don’t have to do it if we don’t wanna, and we are certainly prepared to say we are not sitting around dreaming up ways to view Shrelauter’s behavior in a kinder light. They are idiotic, petulant children. That’s our story. We’re sticking to it. (Although that does sound like a fascinating mental exercise, trying to put a human [legislative] speed bump up on a pedestal.)
In his grand tradition of posting his trangressions on social media, Kirby shared this today:
One shot one kill? What is that supposed to mean? Oh, Kirby you really should close your account. Have you learned nothing from the whole hashtag incident? Or from your friend Blaine? For your own good, shut your account down!
Is there a Yokel legal expert in the house who can explain the penalty if a current office holder were to be found stealing or destroying campaign signs?
Why didn’t the charter amendments on the ballot include one for recalls?
In his grand personal tradition of social media indiscretion Kirby shall forge ahead. He has what he thinks is a clever funny thing to say about Our Next President Clinton, but in case folks were too dumb to catch his meaning, someone went ahead and spelled it out with Kirby’s blessing and encouragement. And his friend thinks Trump should assault her, like Trump likes to do. Hey, every guy’s got his own traditions, right?
Good job trying to take the heat off of Billy Shreve. You’re a real peach, champ.
The Ole Yokel inbox was afire over a certain council member’s outrage over being asked to hand over his cell phone at meetings. It started off like this:
And continued along these lines:
Has our elite education failed us? All of us here at the Yokel took political science and not one of us remembers being asked to keep your face out of your cell phone during a meeting a tenet of socialism. And if he likes to hear from the public, then what about us? If Bob Miller gets your number #, what about your Lady Yokels? We want to text you during meetings as well! What say you #kirbydelauter? Email us at email@example.com. We promise to keep it to ourselves.